I think it's safe to say that for most of us, life has not turned out as we had hoped. When I was in my late teens, I thought I knew who I was. I was certain of what I wanted, when I wanted it, and thought I knew how to get it. My hopes and dreams consisted of me establishing my acting career, getting married, and starting a family all by the time I turned 22. Looking back, that seems a little naive or at least rushed. I was anxious to hit the ground running. Sometimes we can look around and see what other people have; causing us to compare. I too wonder sometimes why someone else's life seems to be panning out smoothly while mine consists of hiccups, delays, and unexpected detours.
This may seem like more of a rant, but my hope is that the topic of this post is #relatable. I have come across people who thought that they knew what they wanted, but years later they come to realize that those desires don't suit the person that they have become. Take a look at your own life. I'm sure years ago you thought you knew what you wanted too! We can never fathom the circumstances, events, and situations that we will encounter as we continue to live life day by day. These moments change us for better or for worse; altering our perception of life (and changing us). I'm not the naive girl that I used to be when I was a teenager. I have experienced abuse in my life (#metoo). This caused me to become numb. So much so that during my graduation ceremony from high school, my very thought during this special occasion was "why is this important/why do we care?". I look back at the things I used to do and the people I have hurt in the process, but I couldn't see it then because I was in pain. My relationship with JESUS over the years as brought about healing and I'm still healing. I have a clear conscience and I have peace. It's just amazing to remember that time in my life. I couldn't fathom what lied ahead for me. I thought I knew myself. I'm glad that I'm not the same and that I have matured into the woman that I am today. It's interesting how every moment in life works together for good (Romans 8:28). The pain, the tears, the laughter, and the fears; they all come together like a puzzle piece that reveals the real picture of life.
I have had moments in my life where I thought I was close to something amazing happening (such as a career move that would take everything to the next level or an opportunity to showcase my true potential). Then seemingly at the last moment, it's as if everything falls apart or comes undone. Then there's trusting the wrong the people that alters your life and changes the trajectory of everything. We all wonder "what if?" But we can't stay stuck on the hypothetical question. We have to take "what is" and make the most of it. Sometimes that can be easier said than done, but it's the only option on the table. We have to make the choice to move forward with a smile on our faces; stepping boldly into the future. I wear a lot of hats and I'm juggling a lot of dreams (#highhopes). Sometimes, I think like I'm too old, but I feel young. I think because I have been hustling since I was 19; pounding the pavement as my own manager in an attempt to launch my career. For the past 9 years, things have not panned out as I had planned.
Things have actually been drastically different from what I had planned and a lot of that has to do with my Faith in JESUS. Soon after graduating from AMDA, I became a Christian. I knew that I needed a Saviour. I needed Him. I still do. I've been on a journey with Him as He has changed me and healed me from the abuse I slightly mentioned prior. He has also changed my will and plans for my life. I went from being on my timetable to being on His. At times, this has been very frustrating. Yet, I have had growing moments where the process developed my character. It's all a test of #faith. That being said, things still have not been how I would've liked them to be. It's as if I have limited supplies and have to make something beautiful out of those supplies. They might not be the supplies I wanted, but I still have the ability to make something great with them. We still have the opportunity and the ability to make something great out of our lives; regardless of where we're at in life! Sometimes, those setbacks and disappointments were placed in our paths to challenge us like a crucible. We're tested by being put through the fire to see what our true value is. Will we come out as purified gold or will we perish. Are we leaders or are we cowards?
Even on today, right now, I can't say that I fully know who I am and what I am capable of. I can say with a surety that I like the woman that I am at this very moment. Everything I have endured has made me the woman that I am right now; developing my character and personality. Yet, I also understand that in 10, 20, and 30 years from now, I will be a more mature and improved version of myself. There is more for me to know, learn, see, and overall experience. I look forward to seeing the woman that I will be in the years to come; embracing the grey hair that will crown my head as well as the wisdom that will inhabit my mind and heart. I dare say that you yourself don't fully know who you are just yet. You're on your way to seeing the full picture; understanding who you are and what you are truly capable of. It's simply a matter of time.
Sante
