Let's be real for a moment and hash a few things out that have crossed my mind (and possibly yours)! I'm hoping that this will be an all around beneficial topic for everyone who reads this. Today's post consists of me sharing some tips for the ladies on how they can avoid a "cat-caller" with ease AND a message that is targeted towards a specific group of men; giving loving encouragement to help both groups be bold!
Cat-calling Hacks:
Imagine: you're innocently walking down the street, minding your business on your way to your destination, when a guy or group of men begin barking pickup lines at you. For me, it began when I was 12, going on a plane for the first time with my family to visit relatives in California. A security guard who was patrolling the metal detector that I had to go through was hitting on me. My mom had to shut him down by revealing that I was 12!!! I didn't know that this "act" was called such a thing until moving to NYC in 2009 to attend Acting school. It seemed like an epidemic as classmates and I would discuss the men that would shout out ridiculous things to us as we walked from our dorms to class. It was like we were trying to compare who had it worse. There's being genuine and then there's being obscene. The things that have been said to me...I could write a book! My roommate and I were attempting to write down all the crazy things that were said to us and that we heard being said to others, but lost track soon after. I've been proposed to at random, one man said and I quote: "give me a kiss!", another told me he wanted to "bite my leg", and I've been called "chocolate" by a white construction worker who was working on the place where I was living at the time! You can obviously see why a girl would be distressed by this kind of attention. I've heard both sides of the conversation between women. Women who have experienced this type of "subtle harassment" are annoyed and bothered by it because it can escalate into an unnecessary situation. Then there are women who have blatantly told me that they wished they got that kind of attention. Like I stated prior, there is a distinction between a man being genuine in telling you that he is attracted to you or a pig trying to get a rise out of you. It can be difficult to try to keep your mouth shut at times. Sometimes I want to laugh and there was an incident where I couldn't contain myself and the guy thought I liked what he said because I grinned. He had no clue whatsoever! I honestly don't know what runs through some men's minds when they decide to be a jerk. Hopefully, the following tips will be of some use to you if you should be confronted with this issue in the near future. They've worked for me and help keep the peace.
Avoid Eye Contact- When a guy tries to "cat-call" me, I simply avoid eye contact. It is said that Jewish men (Yiddish/Orthodox) don't look women in the eyes when they come into contact with them to avoid temptation (I've experienced this personally). This tactic has worked for me, granted, there are always those special situations where a guy may yell at you for not looking at him, but that is rare. Even then keep on walking and behave as if you have no idea he is addressing you. The main motive behind "cat-calling" is to get a rise out of the subject that is being targeted. Even if you are insecure (we all are at times) don't act like it! Walk with confidence and hold your ground.
Stay Silent- This is one I'm still working on myself as it is a habit to automatically say "hello" in return when someone greets you. This may sound harsh, but honestly it's in your best interest. You may think they're innocently saying hello when it is actually a tactic for them in an attempt to start a conversation. Hold your peace and stay focused on where you're going. When you stay silent, the dude or dudes get the hint and let it go. Even if they say something, they let it go soon after. This goes to show that you will not be messed with and that you don't have time to play games.
Fluent Flow- OR: if you are fluent in another language, speak freely in response to the cat-calling to immediately shut the situation down. There is the risk that he or they may know the language you are speaking in, so I advise using discernment. I have done this recently a couple of times with men that were trying to talk to me. I'm learning French and I would say I am about 40% fluent right now. I know enough to pass as fluent and some people have asked me if I'm French. Needless to say, when I began speaking the language, these men realized that they couldn't hold a conversation with me after all and moved on. They thought I couldn't speak English. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do just to make it some place in one piece in peace!
Saved By The Bell- Sometimes you can tell when a "cat-calling" situation is about to arise. There are times when I'm walking down the street and I see a group of guys up ahead as if you can smell it coming from a mile away! If I have my phone conveniently in my hand then I act as if I am on the phone as I smoothly walk by them. You can make an actual phone call if that will help you feel better (I do too or I check my voicemail). Another option is having your earbuds in. Some guys can be ridiculous and think you're suppose to stop in your tracks to acknowledge them. I've had men continue to bark at me even when I didn't immediately realize that they were speaking to me.
"I'm listening to music! How am I suppose to know that you are talking to me? I can't hear you."
Oldie But Goody- This is probably (in my mind at least) the first tactic created to alleviate the stress that is "cat-calling" and that is to #putaringonit. That's right! Go to Claire's and get a shiny "passing as the real deal" ring to put on your left ring finger (while your walking, on the train, bus, etc.) to avoid the pariahs. When I first heard about women doing this years ago it seemed to work as an effort to keep unwanted advances away. I'm sure there are married women who are wearing their rings loud and proud who still get harassed nonetheless (because some men don't care). I was in Harlem for an audition one time and a guy asked me if I was married. I didn't even get a chance to respond either way as he was trying to convince me that we could still "talk" on Facebook!
My recommendation is utilizing all of these tactics if need be to get the job done! Avoid eye contact and stay silent. Have you're phone in hand for any quick calls that you may have to make or listen to your favorite playlist while you're on the go. But if you must speak then do so in a language that you are comfortable speaking in. It may seem wild to think that you may have to behave this way just to avoid an unnecessary confrontation, but in my opinion it's wisdom. Some situations cause you to address the person and to defend yourself, but in reality you can't cuss every guy out that decides to be a jerk to you. The social climate of today's culture is sensitive and everyone it seems gets offended easily by the slightest thing. It's a double standard for you to be harassed yet have to hold your peace so you don't set the "cat-caller(s)" off, but this advice is for your protection. I also recommend getting accustomed with some self defense moves and/or start doing cardio kickboxing as some, if not all, of the moves that you do in this type of workout are beneficial; making you aware on how to protect your body from an attacker. I've had more than one close call and I stay ready to defend myself if I have to AND SO SHOULD YOU.
Dear white men:
Don't take this the wrong way...I just want to help you out for the next time you see a cute girl that you're interested in. From my experience, I've noticed that men in your category who have given me the eyes as if they were literally studying me simply leave it at that. They don't go any further and they dare not make the first move. I'm speaking freely as a Black woman who is attracted to men of your race (and attractive men in general, but you like what you like). I believe that you should know that women in general, no matter how much of a "feminist" they are, love the acknowledgement. I think that maybe you hesitate to say anything because maybe you don't know how we (Black women) will respond. You don't want to get turned down. Nobody does, but...you may miss an opportunity that could cause you to live in regret if you don't go for it. Personally, I feel that the White men who have given me the eyes checking me out are just curious. But if this isn't you or you just don't know how to go about it then I encourage you to toss caution to the wind. There have been White men who have made comments to me, but it wasn't direct enough to let me believe that they wanted to take me seriously. There is a difference between flirting and complimenting. Flirting doesn't go too far and can lead to a missed connection. A sincere compliment is more direct and sends the signal that you not only find me attractive, but you take me seriously. You are pursuing me!
Before I left Brooklyn to return to Pittsburgh, I was on my way to Starbucks to write and I crossed paths with a guy (who wasn't White). He was black actually, but he approached me with ease and told me that he liked "my vibe". He then proceeded to ask me out for drinks and I declined. But, I told him that I appreciated his words and offer. I knew he was sincere and encouraged him to keep being bold. Hopefully the next time that he sincerely approaches a woman she will say yes. This is my desire for you regardless of the ethnicity of the woman that you are attracted to. This letter goes for all men and not just you! I'm speaking from my experience. Men of color seem to be able to speak without a second thought. Black, Biracial, Asian, Spanish, etc. have hit on me and/or complimented me, but when an attractive White man looks at me (stares at me) he is speechless and says nothing. I have seen videos of White men explaining on YouTube how it is because they are "stunned by the beauty of Black women". I have a hard time accepting that because I'm suppose to believe that it is easier for you to speak to a White woman, but Black women get you choked up? Be real. Be honest. Don't be afraid to get shut down (IF that were to happen). Honestly, if you approach a Black woman that you think is attractive and tell her sincerely (even if she she declines), she will STILL be flattered that you had the backbone to tell her that she's beautiful. Trust me, it goes a long way and it's meaningful. Growing up outside of Pittsburgh in a town that is prejudice wasn't easy on my self-esteem. Going to school, if you weren't White or Biracial then you were an outcast. It wasn't until I would go into the city (Pittsburgh) or travel to other cities when I realized that it wasn't me it was racism in that narrow-minded town. Without it being verbalized (literally) it was being taught that Black wasn't beautiful when in-truth it is. Beautiful is beautiful regardless of color. If you got it going on...then you got it going on.
So...with that being said, take the first step. Be a man and let "her" know how you feel. I like when men make the first move because I'm not chasing after anyone. If you are interested in me then you will make your feelings known and I will let you know whether or not I reciprocate. But if I know that you are sincere then I will thank you sincerely for making an effort. Some women may disagree with me, but different strokes for different folks. I may sound "old school" and I don't care! I got tired of trying to be something for someone that I don't know. I'm not a Victoria's Secret's model but I'm not The Hunchback of Notre Dame either! If you think I'm cute holler at ya girl and if you don't then go on about your business. I'm not saying that women shouldn't make the first move. What I am saying is that YOU shouldn't wait for us to do so. Maybe we're waiting for you to do so or maybe we're assessing the situation. There's a difference between seeing someone cute on the train to that of going to work with someone that you find attractive. Different circumstances require different tactics. Working with someone gives you more time to feel the situation out whereas seeing someone on the train demands immediate action. Time is of the essence and you must strike while the iron is hot. The film "Serendipity" is romantic and the acting is on point, but I can't stand the idea of spending a whole evening with someone that you have a connection with to go your separate ways to see IF you will reconnect later on "by chance"! The world is only getting crazier; so when you find someone that you think may be "it" don't hesitate. You don't want to live in regret wondering "what if?"
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Sante
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