I don't know about you, but in my daily life, I try to be a well-rounded person who treats everyone with respect and courtesy. Sometimes, this can be hard to do when those that you try your hardest to help and please use subtle tactics to hurt you. This is the definition of "manipulation". The saddest part is that they may not even know that they're doing it! If bad patterns/habits don't get recognized and fixed at an early age then they will stay with the person; making it painfully difficult for those issues to be addressed later on. I'm not a specialist or professional with a degree, BUT I'm an actress and my job is to dig deep; analyzing the decisions of my characters to understand why do they do what they do. This easily transfers over to real life when examining myself as a person and those that I interact with. I also have a keen interest in True Crime; wanting to understand how those unfortunate circumstances came to be and why one would commit such an act.
Spoiler Alert: AESTHETIC: The Art of Me will be making Podcasts in the (hopefully near) future and on a particular day of the week we will be discussing True Crime cases; some well-known and some not.
Overall, I have a fascination with human nature and thus #aesthetic!
So, let's get in to some easy signs that you can look for when someone close to you is trying to underhand you; enabling you to protect yourself in the process. For advice on how to speak to your loved one about this issue, please refer to "The Art of Confrontation" post that was published last year:
https://aestheticinfluence.wixsite.com/mariahfranklin/the-art-of-me/the-art-of-confrontation
1. OFFERINGS
Take everything with a grain of salt and put nothing past anyone. As a follower of True Crime (aka amateur detective), you come to notice that anybody is capable of anything when pushed to their limit. Pay attention to the offering of gifts and presents; those seemingly innocent gestures of a person's genuine kindness.
It's one thing when a person isn't looking for anything in return (just wanting to do something sweet for you) and it's another when the person is using this as a move on the chest board (of a game that you didn't know you were playing)! I have the propensity to want to return the gesture, but not because I feel guilt or pressure from the giver to do so. I hate to say it, but this kind of behavior is noted as a sign of being narcissistic.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist
2. SELF-BENEFITS
With point number 1 in mind, the next thing to take notice of is that this person will give you tokens, gifts, and do nice gestures in order to get something from you in return. In their mind, they're keeping score while you're thinking "that was awfully sweet of them to think of me through doing that". I'm not trying to cause anyone to be on the defense about every relationship, but I'm hoping that some situations are coming to mind (where you remember being in this position). This advice is all in the hopes of helping you to have the upper-hand so you can avoid unnecessary (and bridge burning) confrontations later on. I want you to know how to protect yourself so you can't be manipulated. Now, we can't read minds, but your loved one will make it easy for you to identify their tactics (unbeknownst to them) by verbalization. This person will say sarcastic remarks and crack harsh comments that puff themselves up while putting you down. This is how you will be able to know that they have been keeping score all along.
3. THROWBACKS
This loved one of yours will offer you gifts or do nice gestures for you, with the intention of you doing something for them in return, and then they will test you to see if you bite their bait. When you don't, they will attack with the throwbacks. Throwbacks are my way of saying how someone will throwback in your face everything that they have done for you. This is he or she's way of guilt-tripping you; making you see how they are a better person than you. These types of people have a propensity for exaggeration! I'm speaking from experience. The people who have treated me like this in past know one another and don't interact with each other (because they've manipulated each other not knowing that they are cut from the same cloth). Throwbacks are belittling to everyone's ego. It's as if from the womb, you are supposed to have life figured out, and never be in the position to ask anyone for help. You can't function properly in life without human interaction, connection, and the help of others. To think otherwise is detrimental and unhealthy. This ultimately, is the person's way of putting themselves in the spotlight to highlight how he or she has "gone out of their way" for you. Yet, they will never mention a single thing that you have done for them. Also, take note of the fact that this person will not apologize for their behavior. They'll either sweep it under the rug or just simply move on from the situation. If he or she does "apologize" then it won't be sincere and you will know it's not because you will feel it in your gut. There are some people who will tell you what they think you want to hear just to move on from that awkward/intense moment. It's a shame, I know, #handtoface!
4. BACKGROUND CHECK
When you recognize that your loved one (family, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse) has conveyed points 1-3 to you then it is time for you to do a "background check" on this person; not literally hiring a private investigator or searching online. What I mean, is that you need to take a moment to think back on past circumstances from this person's life; giving you clarity on why he or she behaves they way that they do. Life events shape and define who we are as people. You will come to have empathy and compassion for this individual when you realize some of the past events that transpired in their life. Those events are deeply rooted within this person causing them to behave in such a way that they don't even realize. All of us need to take a step back now and again to see ourselves for who we really are. We can't go around pointing fingers and judging, but we also can't tolerate manipulative behavior. Don't accept abuse from anyone! You're not a door mat for them to walk on. I don't care if they had a crappy day or week or even life. To be an adult is to take responsibility for your actions and to hold yourself with the demeanor and etiquette befitting of an adult; knowing how to express your feelings without attacking someone in the process.
Oxford Dictionaries define the term "Gaslighting (or to Gaslight someone)" as the following: to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
This is going one step beyond what I'm suggesting when someone close to you is unaware of how thy are manipulating you. People who gaslight know exactly what they are doing to you and do it on purpose to literally drive you crazy. For more information on this topic and if you believe that this is happening to you, check out these resources (link and video):
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting
I know that this is a heavy topic, but we millennials are adults and we can take it! This is for our good so we can better navigate relationships and ultimately life. Overall, I hope that it has informed you and that you will keep these tips in mind. I wish that someone would've made advice like this available to me in the past. When you're young, you're naive, but you want to be taken seriously. Sometimes, you can be blind to the red flags that sprout up, and especially when it comes to interacting with someone (supposedly) close to you. Family is suppose to be supportive including friends and significant others, but when someone crosses the line they need to be put in check! Don't play the pious card for the sake of "family" at the expense of your mental health and self-esteem.
Sante
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