The thought of someone bottling up their emotions tends to equate to a scene of that person entering a public location: shooting up the place!
The epic debate of whether or not men need to be more transparent about their feelings seems to be a never-ending battle. The stereotype is that men are raised to be strong and not show their emotions because that is a sign of weakness (commonly associated with women and girls). Men are to be the providers and protectors of their households. Obviously this can’t be the truth for every situation and lifestyle. But, I do believe that at some point men need to express what they have heavy on their hearts. I don’t however think they need to have a therapy session everyday with their spouse, girlfriend, parent(s), or friend(s), but once in a while can be cathartic and healing.
Men are humans too. I’ve done a little research by reading articles online concerning this topic. Both sides of the argument bring up valid points that can’t be ignored. I always believe that it comes down to the individual circumstance. We can’t box everyone into a category; assuming that a general opinion applies to us all. I know very sentimental and emotional men that are more expressive than some women. It has also been noted that there are women who keep to themselves not sharing their emotions.
I went to high school with a girl who literally never spoke a word. She had no friends and kept to herself. Recently I saw her working at a local store as a cashier and that was the first time I ever heard her speak! With that being said, let’s examine what both sides of the argument have to say about you (men) and your emotions.
MEN NEED TO SPEAK UP
Some women can be overtly catty at times. These women like to talk about how they feel and what they think constantly. Some psychologists call this “Excessive Problem Talk”: obsessing over something that isn’t a big deal; blowing it out of proportion (i.e. exaggeration). A woman like this in a relationship with a man that keeps his thoughts to himself, will not be able to relate to him; assuming his behavior is due to lack of communication.
In my opinion, I believe that serious past issues should be shared upfront when starting a relationship; clearing the air. It’s not fair to hide your divorce(s) or any other relevant event(s) from a new romantic relationship that is getting serious. More damage is done later on when the other person finds out...and they will find out. Nothing remains secret: especially not today as we coexist in the age of Social Media. You can find out just about anything on anyone if you dig long enough!
There are women who want men to talk daily about their emotions; what’s going on in their hearts and their minds. I recently have been given council on this very topic. In a nutshell, I was advised to let my friend come to me when he is ready. I shouldn’t bombard him with questions; forcing him to open up. I should simply let him know that I’m there for him; loving him and leaving it at that. Basically, letting my friend know that my door is open for him when he is ready to talk.
According to an article from Psychology Today, some men have an actual clinical problem with articulating their inner feelings; especially feelings that expose hurt, sexual needs, and vulnerability. The article reveals “ ‘Normative Male Alexithymia’ refers to the fact that traditional masculine role socialization channels many men into ways of being such that their masculine identity conflicts with many emotions they feel and what they feel they are “allowed” to express (i.e., they will be shamed and will feel as if they are "not real men" if they express feelings of vulnerability, dependency needs, weakness, etc.).”
Some psychologists believe, that if a man in a relationship with this condition can’t clearly convey what he is feeling (to his partner), then this will lead to disharmony; ultimately ruining the relationship. Both individuals’ needs will not be met and neither of them will be satisfied. Yet this enables the other side of the argument to make their defense for such a man with this disposition.
Review the entire article here:
MEN DON’T HAVE TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES
Men’s Health shares an article about the reality of men not having to constantly talk about how they feel (in an attempt to properly convey their affection).
In an interview with father-daughter authoring duo, Michael (board-certified psychiatrist with 30 years of experience) and Sarah (writer and comedian) Bennett; they share some insight from their book defending men.
They highlight that “Some guys don’t express feelings well through words, but they express them through actions. They show up. They take responsibility. Their way of expressing feelings and showing love is to ask you how your roof is doing, or how your septic system is working. (...) Women may sometimes believe that feelings should be expressed with words. It’s certainly more satisfying to them, and frustrating when they don’t get it. We urge women to look at the big picture. It can be frustrating if your guy doesn't express feelings in a way that’s familiar to you. So we tell them to look at the actions that have to do with commitment, caring, and contributing. (...) The point is, if words aren't your “thing” for expressing feelings, don’t be ashamed of that. The problem in this equation isn’t really you. You may need a woman who isn’t too needy about words, who can appreciate the commitments and contributions you do make.”
Check out the full interview here:
WHY MEN WON’T SHARE THEIR FEELINGS
Then there are those who have done their own research; concluding that most men don’t share their feelings because they simply aren’t interested. In an online article from 2011, Huffington Post Canada shares a study that was done on more than 2,000 school-aged children by Dr. Amanda Rose (of the University of Missouri). She discovered a fundamental difference between boys and girls concerning the topic of verbalizing feelings. She states that “boys didn't express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls. Instead, boys' responses suggest they just don't see talking about problems to be a particularly useful activity."
The article further shares Rose’s findings as she makes the connection between boys becoming men. She perceives that boys carry their aversion of speaking about their feelings into adulthood; thus “Men may be more likely to think talking about problems will make the problems feel bigger and engaging in different activities will take their minds off of the problem. Men may just not be coming from the same place as their partners."
The article concludes with Rose highlighting that men basically cope with their feelings; taking their minds off of the situation through doing something productive. She suggests that women may need to take a lesson from their playbook.
Read the full article here:
Dr. Rose shares my exact sentiments! In a relationship, both sides need to understand and respect how the other conveys their emotions. Getting on the same page about how you respond and how your significant other responds is key.
If one wants closure through talking but another wants closure through preoccupying their mind; find a middle ground that you two can agree upon. Possibly, discussing the situation once thoroughly then letting go. Like I said earlier, it’s only fair to clear the air. Share relevant past life changing events with a new serious relationship. This shows that you trust them and especially that they can trust you!
And there you have it! Do you agree with either side or are your opinions somewhere in the middle? Share your thoughts with me on Social Media.
Santé
